when your job is the problem
Warning: at the core the following post is merely a rant. But it's a rant I must have at this moment.
For one, it's -11 degrees outside, -26 if you factor in the wind chill. Saturday I ran 35miles and although it was painful after about mile 13, it's probably the most enjoyable thing I've done in the past few weeks. So how is it that running with significant discomfort is better than my regular day?
I wasn't sure I'd ever be in the situation of living with constant "job stress" as I am today. Even as I write I do realize that I am fortunate to be employed and providing for myself. But this job stress isn't about the money. It's not about promotion or recognition. It's not even about the MAIN aspect of my job in patient care (that's for another day).
I thought I'd promised myself a long time ago that I'd never do anything just for the money. While financial decisions played a factor in my choice to join the military (free education), I genuinely thought I might encounter something better. I looked forward to challenging training and personal growth opportunities. I imagined myself working with senior military leaders and developing leadership skills that I could use the rest of my life. I imagined learning from the best and brightest. I was ready to be a sponge.
Then I was reminded that humans don't automatically mature with age. And I was told that those who look good on paper advance just as well as those who are actually good at what they do. And I was told that if you suck, you don't get fired, you get promoted. I was told by superiors that they really didn't understand what I did. I found out that aside from a complete disservice to patients, it didn't really matter if I was good at my job. At times I was made to look inferior, stupid, and useless. My time and job skills were devalued. I was even told that I was too happy and not serious enough.
If it weren't for those living examples…family, friends, and even acquaintances who have modeled selflessness, humbleness, forgiveness, honesty, openness, empathy, etc…I'm not sure I would have made it this far. I need those examples. I need to see what is REAL and not what is made up by people with skewed perspectives and personal agendas.
The problem, at it's very core, is to not lose hope in myself. In all the meaningless mess, the hope is to never lose sight of who I really am. Thankfully I have people who tell me that I am a good person and they appreciate who I really am. This is important, because to me this is what truly matters. Not the drama or competitiveness or insecurity or ego/power trips I experience on a daily basis at my place of employment. It's unfortunate that earning a paycheck can be so soul crushing at times. I just hope that despite the murky waters I am forced to swim in on a daily basis, that I will never lose myself. It's difficult and it's an exhausting, constant struggle, but I do not want to change who I am for an organization that has lost its way. I am Sam and being Sam is not only okay, it's freaking awesome!
This is what I believe. You always do the best for what you know, and when you know better, you do better. When it comes to my experience with the military, I know better. I know in my heart that what is going on is not right. Dreading work is an obvious sign something is wrong. Feeling like your heart is literally aching is definitely sending a message. Working for the weekend means there's something wrong at work.
I know better.
And when I get the chance,
you can bet that I'm going to do better.
For one, it's -11 degrees outside, -26 if you factor in the wind chill. Saturday I ran 35miles and although it was painful after about mile 13, it's probably the most enjoyable thing I've done in the past few weeks. So how is it that running with significant discomfort is better than my regular day?
I wasn't sure I'd ever be in the situation of living with constant "job stress" as I am today. Even as I write I do realize that I am fortunate to be employed and providing for myself. But this job stress isn't about the money. It's not about promotion or recognition. It's not even about the MAIN aspect of my job in patient care (that's for another day).
I thought I'd promised myself a long time ago that I'd never do anything just for the money. While financial decisions played a factor in my choice to join the military (free education), I genuinely thought I might encounter something better. I looked forward to challenging training and personal growth opportunities. I imagined myself working with senior military leaders and developing leadership skills that I could use the rest of my life. I imagined learning from the best and brightest. I was ready to be a sponge.
Then I was reminded that humans don't automatically mature with age. And I was told that those who look good on paper advance just as well as those who are actually good at what they do. And I was told that if you suck, you don't get fired, you get promoted. I was told by superiors that they really didn't understand what I did. I found out that aside from a complete disservice to patients, it didn't really matter if I was good at my job. At times I was made to look inferior, stupid, and useless. My time and job skills were devalued. I was even told that I was too happy and not serious enough.
If it weren't for those living examples…family, friends, and even acquaintances who have modeled selflessness, humbleness, forgiveness, honesty, openness, empathy, etc…I'm not sure I would have made it this far. I need those examples. I need to see what is REAL and not what is made up by people with skewed perspectives and personal agendas.
The problem, at it's very core, is to not lose hope in myself. In all the meaningless mess, the hope is to never lose sight of who I really am. Thankfully I have people who tell me that I am a good person and they appreciate who I really am. This is important, because to me this is what truly matters. Not the drama or competitiveness or insecurity or ego/power trips I experience on a daily basis at my place of employment. It's unfortunate that earning a paycheck can be so soul crushing at times. I just hope that despite the murky waters I am forced to swim in on a daily basis, that I will never lose myself. It's difficult and it's an exhausting, constant struggle, but I do not want to change who I am for an organization that has lost its way. I am Sam and being Sam is not only okay, it's freaking awesome!
This is what I believe. You always do the best for what you know, and when you know better, you do better. When it comes to my experience with the military, I know better. I know in my heart that what is going on is not right. Dreading work is an obvious sign something is wrong. Feeling like your heart is literally aching is definitely sending a message. Working for the weekend means there's something wrong at work.
I know better.
And when I get the chance,
you can bet that I'm going to do better.
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