"There are things that we can have but can't keep."

I've been thinking about life and death a lot over the past year.  I've thought deeply about how brilliant it is to be alive in the first place.  I've thought about how sad it feels for it all to end and about what happens when we die.  I've thought about what it means to take your own life and about what it is like to be blindsided by death.  And you probably know how it feels to get exactly what you wanted only to realize that it didn't bring you life.




I went on an epic road trip in August that I had been planning for months.  Just before I left I got word that my aunt had passed away.  She was young and pregnant.  It was unexpected.  And so this epic "escape" I had planned turned into something else all together.  This joyous reunion with friends and amazing race and adventure morphed into endless hours of being alone and endless miles of quiet reflection.

Looking at the world through a spy glass.


I carried them and spread my tears like ashes.  Roxie.  Millard.  Noma.  Maida.  Chris.  Erin.  Trevor.  Janice.  Byron.  James.  Driving to Canada and back isn't a bad way to do some soul searching.  I had more time to grieve than I'd ever given myself before.

Shortly after I returned home I began having a series of "death dreams" in which I watched myself die in various ways.  I rarely remember dreams but I would wake up after these dreams with vivid memories of how exactly I died.  But instead of feeling scared in the dream, I felt oddly at peace.  Some say when you dream about your own death, you are letting an old part of yourself die to make room for something else.  Hence, your dream is not foresight that you're going to kick the bucket soon, rather you are dreaming of your own transformation, you are laying the old you to rest.




I don't know anything about dream theory but I rarely remember dreams and they never repeat like that.  This past year has been a year of learning and growth in a way that is the both painful and beautiful.  Maybe something within me really is dying.  My identity, reputation, expectations, and arrogance...they're dying to make room for living.

"There are things that we can have but can't keep."
"One More Light" - Linkin Park



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